Now that the school year is up and running I have felt a sense of relaxation set in.
I know, I know, those of you who are actually teaching instead of at home for an extra 12 weeks are thinking SHUTTTTUP! I feel for ya, I really do! The beginning of the year is crazy exhausting, which I’m sure means that most of you are either not reading this or are reading it super late on your phone like a crazy person.
I was so stressed before school started trying to make sure everything was in place for my sub. Little did I know she is even more amazing than I originally thought. I really have just settled into mommy life and I know I have her to thank for that. Normally, I am all about worrying, I am all about control, order, organization and plan, plan, planning. Well I am certainly learning some lessons about myself with this maternity leave.
Sometimes I feel guilty for blogging or I guess having time to blog. People ask me how do you have time to do that, I don’t get it. I let myself feel worried or embarrassed about what other people “think” I spend my time doing. I over analyze and questions myself constantly. Am I really spending time on the things that matter? Do I cutesify things for my own benefit? Is the extra time I spend even worth it or am I doing it all just to get noticed? I am being incredibly transparent here and I suppose you can tell I’ve got a bit of anxiety going on. We’ll call it the postpartum emotions. As I said, all of this extra time at home has made me realize some really important things about myself and in some cases just reminded me of who I really am.
I love teaching with all my heart. I love every single thing about it. Before I became a teacher I lived and breathed it. I knew from the time I was old enough to boss people around that I wanted to be a teacher. When I am not teaching I miss it because it’s not a job. It’s who I am. When I was going into work during my maternity leave people looked at me like I was crazy but the truth is I was there because I wanted to be there. I like school. I love the smells, the sounds, the excitement of the first day.
I create because I am creative. Sure I could whip out a blank piece of computer paper slap 10 or so math problems on there in my own handwriting, make 80 copies for my teammate and I and call it good. Trust me, I do. When I have time, or perhaps I should say make time I want to type it up, add a border, some cute font and a few pieces of clipart to catch the eye of a few kids. I enjoy creating products that I am going to use year after year. I want my kids to look at the work they are doing whether it be a test, quiz, center, game or boring, crummy, old worksheet and think “Hey this looks interesting. I’ll try it.” I am proud of the work I do and I want it to show.
I am a good mom… heck with that I am a GREAT mom. I still have trouble with this one though so don’t let that confident tone fool you. Like any mom, I question every decision I make and every tiny second I spend with my babies. I want to make the most of it all and being a working mom that guilt can really eat at you. I refer to mommy guilt often because I feel a twinge of it everyday. Regardless of that guilt though I know that my kids know they are incredibly loved. They have a mommy who plays with them, reads with them, makes them snacks and yummy dinners, snuggles them to sleep, sings to them, dances with them, loves them unconditionally and feels blessed beyond all belief to be their mommy. Somedays the guilt is stronger than other days but when that happens I know that tomorrow will be better because all of these things are true. Working and being a mom is tough. To let someone else care for your babies all day so that you can go take care of someone else’s seems crazy but…
I love my classroom kids! Every year I fall in love with a new group of kids. At the beginning of each year I wonder how I am going to care as much about this new group as I did last year’s. It just comes easily. To be honest, I haven’t even met this new group of kids and Tanya (my longterm sub) still gets late night text messages from me asking if they need snack for their first day. — I can just imagine their poor little tummies growling on that first day as they start to transition back to eating lunch at noon. Of course she doesn’t need me to remind her, again, can you say “control freak”?
These 4 things are important to me and I continually need to remind myself of each of them. Being home with my own babies 24 hours a day 7 days a week awakens me to who I am at heart. When I get dreary and tired 2 months into school (heck, who am I kidding, 1 if I’m lucky) I hope I will look back on this time and remember the gifts god has given me. I have a beautiful family and a career that that is a huge part of who I am as a person. I know that I will always have to work hard to give 100% to both and I am at peace with that. It is my hope that this post brings you a little peace at a time when you need it too. Teaching is rough but Teachers are tough.